Soon after my 92 year old mother entered an assisted living facility I asked her how she liked it. She had one complaint “everybody here is so old; I don’t like old people.” Years later, at this same facility, all these old people keep to themselves and the only time they are unified, according to mom, is when they rush to the dining room for lunch. Which, arguably, is the best meal at this particular facility.

My mother’s statement, on the face of it seems counterintuitive, but in fact I think it maybe a common way of thinking. Like-minded people may not share the same attributes or even, especially, the same set of circumstances. In other words, what if older people are ageist, women anti-feminist and minorities… anti-minority?

This way of thinking is more realistic and “intuitive” than one might think. People who seem to have a similar cause may not support one another; in fact people in the same pot may be just as inclined to claw at one another as to help lift one another out. Which then begs the question, who’s left to advocate for power minorities, if power minorities are unable to advocate for themselves?

Several of these same dynamics are at play with bullying.

When we think of bullying, children come to mind, but not all bullying happens on the playground; children mirror the adult world that surrounds them and if it’s happening on the playground, you can be sure it is also happening in the halls of suburban corporate parks.

I should now define bullying behaviors but I think people know what these are. We have all witnessed bullying, though we may not want to recognize it. I could cite statistics about the damaging effects that bullies have not only on their targets but also on the silent accomplices to the misery they cause. But people know that targeting a person or group with constant demeaning, intimidating or derogatory statements takes a toll. If you think that bullying is a made up phenomena by people who are weak or in some mysterious way are desirous of soliciting a rain of painful events down upon themselves, you really don’t need to read this article. You’ve already purchased your protective umbrella.

Bullying is not logical, either. One might think, for example, that power minorities such as working women, are able to unite and support one another; yet they don’t. Over one third of working Americans say that they have been victimized by a bully and one fourth of Americans confide that they have witnessed scapegoating at work. Two out of every three people who tried to defend themselves against being targeted found that rather than helping them their defense triggered retaliation that went unnoticed. Ninety percent of these targets reported that their victimizer was an individual in a position of authority; women were most likely to be bullied. Their most frequent tormentor, other women. (Balcerzak, 2015.) Research has also found that women in the workplace are most competitive with other women but tend to be the most cooperative when they work in groups with men; even surpassing their male colleagues ability to compromise, with other men. (Multiple authors, 2015.) Again, women, can compromise, just not with each other. Why would individuals, within a power minority, not support one another? As a member of this particular power minority I want to say that women are trained to be nurturing and to be sensitive to others, qualities that are essential for any society. My question is than, if women are so skilled at taking care of others, which they are, why can’t they take care of themselves?

Most women, 47%, gravitate to similar industries, careers that pay less than male dominated industries and that pay the women within these professions, the majority of the personnel, 20% less than their male colleagues. Because women gravitate to these same female dominated jobs that both pay less and pay women less, a child raised in a home in America that has a female head of the household has a 70% chance of being raised below the poverty level.(Peter Coy, Elizabeth Dwoskin, 2012 Elliott, Diana B. and Tavia Simmons, 2011. ) Factor in a divorce rate that continues to hover at around 50%; the chance that a life partner will protect a woman from economic ruin, especially should she find herself suddenly a single parent, becomes unlikely. So that, paradoxically, as women are socialized to compete primarily with each other; a woman’s lot in life may worsen if she depends on her partner’s economic livelihood to survive. In order to create a living wage for her family, especially if and when the primary breadwinner steps away from the family, she will need the support of social networks that help to not only make work more satisfying but that are also a necessity for getting, keeping and advancing at work; so that women, hopefully, don’t continue to lead the fastest growing group of families: those of female headed households with children, growing up in poverty.

Most people, when they discuss bullying, reduce the issue down to an individual personality trait or characteristic, with Narcissistic Personality Disorder being the most frequent bitter ingredient in this particular stew. But in my experience here’s how a bullying scenario is much more likely to go: An organization has a power hierarchy with an individual or group trying to jockey for power and move up the hierarchy. As they attempt to ascend they intimidate, threaten, demean, devalue or scapegoat their competition or subordinates, which may be an individual or even a whole department; in an attempt to intimidate others into giving them what they want (i.e., to ascend the power hierarchy.) Bullying is a product of social, economic and, ultimately, power pyramids.

Bullies are cunning. If you are perceived as competition a bully will try to intimidate or scapegoat you; they follow the maxim of “kiss up and pee down,” so that if you are disinclined to notice their bad behavior, it is easy to avoid. What makes bullying very complicated to deal with is that bullies are masters at manipulating the “power” in any power hierarchy. They know that subordinates are bound to be silent, colleagues quiet, and superiors watchful. And there are work cultures that support bullying as a natural byproduct of competition. So that the bully doesn’t operate autonomously, both victim and bully are bound up within the expectations of their environment.

Why does the bully, bully? Because she or he can, and bullying works. Bullies more often than not, get their way. Yet all western European nations have laws in place that address bullying, except the United States. (Balcerzak, 2015.)

Bullying is not simple but it’s solvable. Perhaps the first thing to realize is that you are not alone. Again, a large percent of U.S. employees (will admit) they have either been the target of bullying or witnessed it in their work lives.

Next, it’s not you. People don’t talk about the events surrounding being bullied. We are all taught as children to stay away from trouble. To not get mixed up into somebody else’s problems. People might worry that they may be blamed for their own misfortune, especially if it is someone with more seniority, or who is higher in rank, who is targeting them. They are worried that their bad luck will be used against them.  The victim of rape will have to hear people wondering about her judgement: why was she jogging out there and at that time of night? She might have to embark on her next painful journey, wondering if she was the architect of her own misery.

It’s not you. Most likely, you just stepped into one of life’s awful sand traps; the ones no one discusses. Similar to the rat holes you find in dysfunctional families. Everyone knows about weird uncle Bob who groom’s special relationships with children, but no one mentions him. Some moms have the wherewithal to keep Bob away from their children, others don’t. In adult life these human sand traps are not discussed. And therefore stepped into over and over again.

But there is hope. Businesses are starting to organize themselves differently so they can be more responsive to their customers and the ever changing world of technology. Because top down hierarchies are inefficient and slow, other organizational structures are evolving and within these structures, lays hope.

I’m going to be focusing on bullying and I would like to hear from you: Do you have any strategies that are useful for managing a bully that you would like to share? Please email your questions, stories and strategies to words2results@gmail.com.

I would also expect that for some individuals acknowledging bullying will be difficult but should an overwhelming need come over you to project that anger onto me; I would like to assure you that I am completely aware that I may be stupid, ugly, or have no friends. Nonetheless, I will keep on speaking out about this subject.

References

Judith Geneva Balcerzak, J, PhD, MSW, (2015). “Workplace bullying: Clinical and organizational perspectives.”NASW Press. Retrieved 11/16/16.

“Sex Differences in Cooperation: A Meta-Analytic Review of Social Dilemmas,” Daniel Balliet, PhD, Singapore Management University and VU University, the Netherlands; Norman P. Li, PhD, Singapore Management University; Shane J. MacFarlan, PhD, Washington State University; Mark Van Vugt, PhD, VU University, the Netherlands; Psychological Bulletin, Vol. 137, No. 6, February 25, 2010, Retrieved 11/16/16.

Peter Coy, Elizabeth Dwoskin, June 21, 2012. “Shortchanged: Why Women get paid less than Men.” Retrieved 11/16/16.

Elliott, Diana B. and Tavia Simmons. 2011. “Marital Events of Americans: 2009, American Community Survey Reports,”ACS-13. U.S. Census Bureau, Washington, DC. Retrieved 11/16/16.

Copyright 11/23/16 Laura Bloom, MSW, LCSW